Life's Journey...

I have debated writing this post for a few weeks now and now even as I sit and type I am not sure that I will ever hit the publish post button. I am not sure how many read my blog or who even some people that see this are but as I start the road to what is hopefully the end of my journey with postpartum depression I feel like I should write. I have a very wise boss who spoke at length with me about PPD and how even if one person is helped by what others have gone thru then it was worth it.

Madelyn is now 3.5 years old and after she was born I had the regular baby blues-it wasn't a terrible depression but it was something that lingered and I can admit now that it never fully went away. Jillian just turned two and after she was born I felt like my life got flipped upside-down. I would cry multiple times a day and not for any particular reason. I would cry hysterically when Jon went to work and I would beg him not to go to work and I would call him somedays and say that I just didn't think I could make it thru the day. I was living for the day and counting the hours until I could get into bed. I did everything that I needed to for my girls but looking back I feel like I did it on auto-pilot. I kept telling myself as the months passed and that with each milestone things would get easier and I would feel better but I didn't.

This past January I took care of a patient Mr.S and in the course of a few hours his condition worsened and I sent him to the ICU and he was later transferred into NEMC, had surgery and later passed away. Upon hearing of his death I was over-whelmed with emotion. I feel like this is when I hit bottom. My parents had encouraged me all along to seek help but it wasn't until this happened that I knew I could cope without help anymore.

I started seeing a therapist and was started on prozac at a point in my life that I didn't think anything would help me to get back to the "me I used to be" but I did. When I finally accepted the fact that I needed help my whole life and attitude changed. I enjoy every day and every moment I spend with my family. There used to be days that I would miss the "old me" that worked full time as a nurse and I could spend hours a day at the gym. But now I realize that the "new me" is far superior than the old.

When we got home from Florida Jon took down Jillian's crib and he was sitting in her room taking it down crying "it went by so fast" but I don't look at it that way. In my eyes when the crib was taken down it signified the end of PPD for me and a new chapter in Jillian's life. A new start for all of us as it is now that I feel like life really is starting. I felt guilty about this for a while but after therapy I have learned to accept the last few years and am able to be excited about the next stages of our life as a family.

I said before I am not sure who will read this and I hope that if anyone else ever feels like this they know that I am here...always.